Birth Story: Sunday

Oscar, 2014

On Saturday night, after a day spent out and about in Greenpoint, Will made a delicious fondue with cheese from the Bedford Cheese Shop, and we chatted about life in general over a glass of wine from Savoie, which reminded us both of our trip to the Alps, when Will proposed.

Went to bed as usual and woke up suddenly, early in the morning to my first contraction. I counted one, then two, then looked at my phone. It was 5:43. When you know, you know...

I tapped Will, and we sat in the dark for a minute, making plans to call our doula Grace and Axel's godmother to come and look after him. Will got in the shower, and at that point my contractions were very sharp, about 4 minutes apart, lasting a little more than 30 seconds each. I wandered into the kitchen and started making a little bag of meal things for Axel for the day. I knew at that point that I would have a baby that day, I just didn't know whether it would be 8 or 12 hours later.

Grace and Leigh got to ours quickly, but my sense of time for the whole morning is completely out of whack. Almost as soon as Grace got to us, she said she thought we should get going. Will drove us to the hospital, and I remember focusing on the yellow taxis ahead of us on First Avenue, seeing that we were in the East 20s, and thinking it was taking forever, even though there was barely any traffic. It's a surreal feeling being in labor and seeing people out and about in the city, going about their Sunday morning routine.

By the time we got through the hospital's lobby and into triage, my contractions had gotten a lot more intense...I was around 6 centimeters dilated, and they transferred us into a room fairly quickly. My favorite doctor from my group practice was on duty that day, and I was really grateful for that. Someone, Grace, I think, said "You are going to have this baby soon." It must have been about 8 a.m. After two 30 minute sessions in the labor suite's shower, and some very wild contractions, Oscar was born at 10:17 a.m.

It was a completely different experience than Axel's birth, which had been such a slow build. It all happened so quickly that I think I've barely had time to process things. I delivered Oscar on my hands and knees (ha! is that too much information?), which was the only position I felt comfortable pushing in. When he was born, they placed them on the bed under me. He was wriggly and doing well, but I think my brain had all but stopped at that point...all I could think was...'Baby!' It was bright in the room and I could barely believe it had been just 4.5 hours since I'd woken up with my first contraction.

As much as I had prepared myself for a quick delivery, it's hard to describe the experience. When you tell people you had a 4.5 hour labor, they generally think that sounds much easier than a 48 hour labor, but because each contraction is that much more productive, it was considerably more painful. I didn't have time to think about waves or tap into any kind of internal monologue about what was happening. I think I also didn't get as many of those self-protective hormones that make you naturally a little numb to the pain. I definitely felt everything! But at the same time, I knew things were happening quickly and kept reminding myself, 'I can do this for another hour...'

Afterwards, I was babbling away to the doctor and eating soup and meatloaf in the bright hospital room. It all felt kind of surreal. Now, Oscar's here. What a sweet little boy he is.

Birth Story: The Week Before

Williamsburg, 2014

My labor with Axel was 48 hours, from start to finish (although I’d say only about 12-16 of those hours were truly active labor), but in the weeks and months before Oscar’s arrival I became a little anxious at the idea of a really quick delivery...stories like this one, about a woman giving birth on a Manhattan crosswalk just a few days before my due date, didn’t especially help. 

Everyone from my doctor and the midwife and my doula told me that this time, as soon as I was in a regular pattern of labor, I should go straight to the hospital. It was pretty much exactly the opposite of the advice I was given for my first labor, when it’s suggested that you labor for as my plan was to labor for as long as possible at home in the hopes of having an unmedicated birth. 

Because of the cold, and because of my slight worry that I’d go into labor at any moment, the last few weeks of my pregnancy were pretty odd. I didn’t want to talk to anyone but Will, especially, or stray too far from home. I’d feel a little worried when he left for work in the mornings, in case he got stuck in a meeting with his phone on silent, and I was so worn out in the afternoons I’d stay inside, conscious of every possible sensation that could signal that something was about to happen. I had tackled everything on my to do list and was even avoiding well meaning "Any news?" phone calls and e-mails because I was just so ready for this baby to make his appearance.

For much of February (incidentally one of the greyest and snowiest on record), I joked that I was starting to feel like a Victorian invalid...I went to Vittoria for lattes and to work on my freelance projects but generally spent lots of time in bed and around the house, as the pavements outside were slick with ice and neighborhood old timers were beginning to stop me and tell me to be careful (I must have looked verrrry pregnant.) Somehow, it felt like I’d been pregnant for nearly 20 months since my pregnancies with Axel and with Oscar, so close together, had begun to blur in my mind. It had been a long winter and that’s a long time to be pregnant…

In the week before Oscar’s birthday, I’d go to bed most nights, feeling crampy, and think ‘Surely, this must be it…”

What Got Me Through

Axel, 2012

I get that not everyone wants a totally natural childbirth. And I don’t judge people who don’t want one, I really don’t. My reasoning for not wanting an epidural was really about fear of the other interventions it can lead to (like pitocin and C-sections.) Really, I was more afraid of the knife than I was of labor.

I was also really curious. I wanted to experience every second of it (even when I was cursing Ina May), and I wanted to see what my body could do in its most natural state. I also wanted to get the best possible start on bonding and breastfeeding, and figured that doing it drug-free would help on both counts. Once I got over some of my initial fear (like that unsettling hospital tour), I started to look forward to labor, and feel like I was somehow prepared. 

Here are some of the things that I think contributed to a long but relatively easy natural  labor. 

Mental Preparation

I am a studier, not a go with the flow-er. So I took childbirth classes with Birth Day Presence, found a doula, and read as much as I could. From birth stories on sites like Marvelous Kiddo, to books like Birthing from Within, Hypnobirthing, Ina May Gaskin’s Guide to Childbirth, I drank it all in and took what I could. I even watched some videos about Orgasmic Birth because, hey, why not! I was pretty sure that fear of the unknown would only serve to enhance pain and so I gathered as much info as I could from as many sources as possible. I also read literary memoirs like Making Babies by Anne Enright, Crawling: A Father's First Year, by Elisha Cooper, and Operating Instructions and Some Assembly Required, by Anne Lamott. 

Physical Preparation

I worked out with my trainer Paul Kostas twice a week doing circuits and weights until about 24 weeks. I also took weekly prenatal yoga classes at Kula and prenatal swimming at Aqua Beba. During our travels to the Virgin Islands we did a ton of hiking and swimming and snorkeling, and back home I was pretty active around the neighborhood. I really scaled back from my usual workouts in terms of frequency and intensity, mainly because I just stopped feeling up to it. But I think I maintained at least some of my fitness throughout the pregnancy and was feeling pretty good at the end as a result. I also didn’t shy away from helping with our move, or lugging groceries, or cleaning the house and so I think my mobility was pretty good all along.  

A Doula

Our doula, Grace MacNair, was amazing. Although I didn’t know her that well going into the process, I chose to trust her and am so grateful that I did. I really think that if I had gone to the hospital when I had first thought to, on Sunday morning, I would have had a completely different labor experience and been much more receptive to interventions. When you are feeling vulnerable, and a doctor suggests something, it’s hard not to listen. Instead, I got to do most of my labor at home, in a serene, beautiful environment, with good music and our cats milling around without being hooked up to a million machines and being out of my comfort zone. I was in pain, but relaxed, if that makes any sense. And by the time I did get to the hospital, I was in the zone and all my own hormones were helping to manage the intensity of it all. 

Hydration and Food

Really, this was key. I drank a lot of coconut water, Gatorade, and water throughout labor and managed to eat fairly well up until about 2 p.m. on Sunday. Later on, at the hospital, Grace gave me some dried apricots and that was helpful too. It’s funny because afterwards I was STARVING! The nurse brought me a sandwich almost immediately, and 4 hours after labor, in our recovery room, while Will slept, I ordered a huge breakfast of turkey bacon, turkey sausage, a bagel, OJ, and coffee. Nomnomnomnom. It was amazing. 

Pure Luck

Axel wasn’t a huge baby, and he was head down from 28 weeks onwards, in the right position, with his head facing my back. Although I occasionally worried about his small size and “measuring behind” at my grown scans, in the end he was just a little, but perfectly healthy and happy guy. On Friday morning I had an ultrasound to check his size and was told he had borderline low amniotic fluid and might need to be induced if it was lower by Monday. Luckily I went into labor over the weekend so we never needed to make that hard decision. I didn’t have gestational diabetes and was Strep B negative, so I didn’t need to worry about getting to the hospital within a certain window of time, and so the stars seemed to align in favor of a natural birth. I completely get that had I had other complications, things might not have gone as they did. 

Wanting It (and Wanting an Easy Recovery)

I think if I had been on the fence about an epidural, I might have gotten one, but I really, really wanted to do it this way. I felt a little strange telling people that beforehand (and got a few "Wait and see" reactions), but even that was also kind of a motivator (not wanting to slink back and say "Um, nevermind!") In the end, I’m so glad I stuck with my plan. No regrets. I felt amazing afterwards and really alert and kind of blissed out. Aside from one or two small stitches, there was nothing major to recover from. I was up and about and feeling pretty strong afterwards. On day two, I'd liken the feeling I had to the feeling what you get after the first intense day of downhill skiing of the season. All of my muscles were sore, but in a kind of great way. 

Birth Story: He's Here!

Axel, 2012

Once we got to the hospital, at around 8:30 p.m. Will handed the car off to the valet (I remember shouting at him when the parking guy started taking what seemed like forever to hand over the receipt for the car.) I was like, really!? Can you not see I’m about to have this baby in the revolving door? 

We got to triage and within a few minutes a doctor came in to monitor the baby’s heart rate and do a cervical check. I was 7 centimeters dilated and 90% effaced, and so they moved me immediately into my labor room, where our doula made sure the lights were off and things stayed quiet. 

I declined an IV but was given a hep lock in case they needed it later on, and my doctor said intermittent fetal monitoring was fine. At one point early on the anesthesiologist came in and Will, the doula, and I all shouted at him to go away (Sorry guy! I am sure most people are happier to see you.) It turned out I had to talk to him regardless, since in cases of emergency C-sections they need to know if you have any allergies and you need to sign a release saying you understand the risks of an epidural. Hearing him recite them to me only reinforced my stance and I didn’t feel for a second that I’d change my mind. I was almost there. 

An amazing nurse came in for about 15 minutes every hour and checked in on the baby, reassuring me that he was fine. When we weren’t being monitored, I was able to move around the room, and I found that kneeling on a pillow on the floor with my upper body supported by the bed was pretty comfortable. At another stage I got in the shower and let the hot water do its work. Mostly it was really serene in that room, and dark. My doctor came in a few hours later (time gets fuzzy from here on out) and told me I was 9 centimeters. After another hour, my water still hadn’t broken so I said she could do it manually. I felt a warm gush of fluid and then my contractions started to get more intense. In just a little while, I was 10 centimeters and ready to push. 

20 minutes later, Axel was here! He cried right away, and the sensation of his warm, wriggly body on my chest was amazing. I felt euphoric, and Will was so excited, hugging everyone in the room. The doula helped me to get him to take my breast, and we were both in total awe. 

He was perfect. I had prepared myself for a cone-headed, bruised little thing, but he was all pink and golden and gorgeous. And ours! Then, I ordered a turkey sandwich. 

Birth Story: At Home

Axel, 2012

At around 4 p.m. on Sunday, it was pretty clear I was in active labor. We put on some mellow music (the Bonobo station on Pandora, it was like being at an expensive spa) and I got in the shower. This is when things started to get trippy. 

In a lot of ways, I found the early labor harder, because my endorphins hadn’t kicked in and I was trying to rationalize what was happening to my body and over think it all and wonder how much time I had left. From our childbirth classes and my reading, I knew that there was some kind of hormonal pain relief that kicks in in labor, but until that shower I didn’t quite believe it. Once I was under the water though, I started to feel a little high. The pain was there, and it was hard, and I was vocalizing and probably scary to watch, but I was feeling weirdly pretty great. 

I kept picturing those extreme surfing videos, of these amazing athletes out on an enormous break in Hawaii, committing to each wave. Now, I’m not a surfer, beyond having taken a lesson once in San Diego. But I think the surfing analogy just really resonated with me at the time because it reminded me that it was an athletic endeavor, but you only had to take it one wave at a time. 

The doula arrived when I was in the shower, and I remember noting that I was so utterly uninhibited about being buck naked around a relative stranger. Once I got out of the shower, she started to massage my lower back with each contraction. When one was particularly bad (I remember thinking something a long the lines of “Fuck you Ina May Gaskin! You thought this was a good idea?”) the doula told me that that meant that that contraction was doing a lot of work thinning my cervix. It helped to think that the pain was doing something, and when she said things like “You’re that much closer,” I found it really helpful. 

We sort of moved from the Pilates ball to our bed to the living room in a weird little circuit, and she’d try to get me to walk a little to help make things move more quickly. It was getting difficult as I was beginning to get an extreme feeling of pressure when I was vertical. Not quite yet a desire to push but something like it. It unnerved me a little bit, as did the amount of blood I was seeing, and in the back of my mind I started to think that we should get to the hospital. The doula didn’t seem to feel that we were in a rush, which I found perplexing. I remember thinking something like “this crazy hippie wants me to have this baby in the bath tub!” Indeed, when I mentioned the hospital, she suggested I get in the tub. But after a while, that sensation of pressure was building even more and I was feeling like it was time to go. 

Right then, at about 7:45 p.m. on Sunday, the sky opened up, and we were in the middle of one of the most dramatic thunderstorms I’d ever seen. Will got our bags while I dried off and dressed, and we went down to the car, with me and the doula in the back. 

There must have been a concert on the waterfront that night that had been rained out, because the intersection of Bedford and North 6th looked like some kind of Ibiza rave. Hundreds of 20-somethings running this way and that trying to find somewhere dry. It was really odd to be in the quiet car and watching this all unfold. 

We got to NYU about 20 minutes later. 

Birth Story: Sunday

Axel, 2012

By the early hours of Sunday morning, things were getting really tough. Will had been up with me for the majority of the night, and the contractions were getting deeper and stronger. I’d heard of people being in labor for 24 or 36 hours, and I was counting ahead from Friday at 2:51 a.m. and trying to gauge how much longer I had to go. The scheduler and control freak in me felt like I needed a time frame to be able to keep doing this. 

Even though my plan all along had been to labor at home for as long as possible, I started to feel like maybe we should head to the hospital soon to get things going. Will called the doula and she said she’d be right over. 

When she arrived at our apartment at around 7 a.m., I was lying on the living room floor in a cotton robe, crying, while Will was looking on a little unsure of what to do or say. She was instantly very soothing, but when she told me I was in “early labor,” I couldn’t quite accept it. Really? This is early labor? If that’s the case, I thought, then I don’t know how I am going to get through this. 

She had me take a tincture of black and blue cohosh, which is supposed to make contractions more regular, and suggested some castor oil. I was really reluctant to take that, as I was feeling badly enough as it was without adding digestive issues to the mix. I was starting to have my bloody show, and it was a relief to have her there to have a peek because otherwise I would have been more alarmed by the extent of the bleeding. 

The three of us walked down to the river again and stopped into Modca where I got an iced latte. When the doula said we still had some time to go, I was in a little bit of disbelief, but I figured that she knew what she was talking about and I had no other choice but to trust her judgement. At around noon, she left us to it and said she’d be back immediately if we found things were really picking up. 

Will made me a grilled cheese and some freshly cut up watermelon which was delicious. I went back to bed and then at 3 p.m. contractions started happening at a definite 5-minutes apart. We were trying to get to 3 minutes apart, for at least a minute, for an hour (3-1-1) before we left home.

Birth Story: Early Labor

Axel, 2012

You know that Christmas Eve feeling? Or the feeling you get the night before an early morning flight to somewhere exotic, when you know you need to sleep but just can’t? I was up all night on Friday the 3rd, so excited that this was really happening.

After that first contraction, things began to seem a little regular. It wasn’t exactly more painful than period cramps, but each one came on like a small wave, with a definite start and stop to it. My uterus got a little hard and sore. Not enough to really hurt, but definitely enough to  make it impossible to fall back to sleep. I didn’t time things, but I guessed that contractions were happening every 8-10 minutes. 

I felt like I’d definitely be meeting the baby that weekend.

When the sensation got too distracting, I got out of bed, leaving Will to sleep (he’d need his stamina over the next few days, I reasoned, and I also didn’t want to wake him up to cry wolf.) 

I made a cup of tea and sat out on the balcony, watching all the Williamsburg revelers stumbling to the next bar. It was amazing to feel the night air on my skin and to be alone with my thoughts, even if they weren’t all that coherent.  They went something like: “Baby! Soon! Amazing! Possibly the last night without him! Mindblowing!”

In the morning when Will woke up, I was almost hyper, and really excited to report that I’d had contractions all night long. I told him we had to go out for food, and soon, and so we went for breakfast at the Verb. After that, I canceled plans to see a friend later that day and basically hung out in bed for the rest of the day. I did a few rounds of cat and cow on the living room floor just to try to get comfortable. 

At some points, I was sure things were picking up and I started to look at the clock (when I wasn’t googling “False Labor” or reading up on natural childbirth.) I also kept visualizing the baby. Nothing very exact but just this image of a pink, warm, squirmy newborn. I knew that things were going to get hard and that I needed to keep remembering the end goal. I asked Will to stock up on food that afternoon, and he came home with coconut water, Gatorade, a roast chicken, an enormous watermelon and mangos. 

That night, when Brooklyn cooled down, Will and I went for a walk down by the waterfront and looked at the skyline from the pier. He had begun timing my contractions with an app on his phone, and so I’d tell him when one was beginning and ending while we sat on a bench overlooking the East River. 

I was getting a little bit nervous that it was nearly 11 p.m. and I hadn’t slept for in nearly 24 hours and was going to be up all night, no end in sight. I was also starting to get a little discouraged by “the numbers,” which were indicating irregular contractions, and made me feel a little like I was failing some kind of test. Eventually I asked Will to stop timing them because it was getting frustrating to know that I wasn’t discernibly closer to the end. 

When we got home, Will called our doula to let her know what had been happening, and she suggested I take a Tylenol PM and have a cocktail and to try to get some rest. I resisted at first, because 1) rest seemed impossible, and 2) I felt like we’d be leaving for the hospital any moment. Our bags were packed and on the kitchen table. In the end I followed her advice, but it didn’t seem to slow things down. In fact, by around 2 a.m., the contractions seemed to be around 5-7 minutes apart and getting more and more intense. 

Birth Story: The Last Week

Axel, 5 minutes old, 8/6/12

In the last week of my pregnancy, I started to put faith in all kinds of old fashioned pregnancy lore. There was a full moon on the night of August 2nd, and I was more than half hoping that would do the trick. While I didn’t exactly do a moon dance, I was curious as to whether the time of the month might have any impact on my delivery date, since many doulas and doctors have affirmed that there’s certainly something to it and that labor and delivery wards are busy in the days surrounding a full moon. 

That day I had a doctor’s appointment and was between 1-2 centimeters dilated and 40% effaced, which gave me some hope that things were at least progressing in the right direction. I tried not to get too caught up that news, though, since I know many women are dilated for extended periods of time and it doesn’t mean labor is imminent. After the check up, I walked up through Soho to Union Square and just took in the city, trying to be in the moment. 

But still, I was feeling pretty ready and a little bit antsy. On the 2nd I did a flurry of last minute errands like buying diapers, our sling, and reading excerpts from Birthing From Within, a book recommended by our doula. I had a grilled cheese with bacon at Kasia’s, the Polish diner on Bedford. And we did get to that Woody Allen movie at Nighthawk, where we ate fish tacos and I had a few sips of Will’s hard cider. 

Will had also mentioned to me earlier in the week that he was feeling “ready” and I remember that that made me feel really good. Like okay, here we go, we are in this together.  

On Friday I had a pretty mellow day around the neighborhood and was feeling a little crampy. Nothing resembling a contraction, but enough to know that something was happening. I took baths and read more of my book, trying to focus on the idea that birth wasn’t anything to be afraid of. It was hard to anticipate how labor would feel, but I was trying to remind myself that pain is just sensation, and that as long as I didn’t panic, and let my body do what it was going to do, we would all be okay. 

That night, Will and I had a quiet evening in, watching Friends with Kids on Netflix. Both of us couldn’t help but tear up whenever there was a baby on screen, which was kind of hilarious. What happened to these two hard-hearted New Yorkers? 

I had one or two very mild contractions during the movie but chalked them up to Braxton Hicks. We had pork loin, broccoli, and quinoa for dinner and I remember thinking, ‘Well, this would be a good meal to give me some stamina for labor.’ At the time I wondered whether that thought was a ‘sign’ that I was going into labor but then dismissed it. I went to bed around midnight feeling pretty great. 

At 2:51 a.m., a contraction jolted me awake, and I sort of knew this was it. 

Axel!!!

Day One, 8/6/12

Well, if you haven't guessed by now, it's been a busy few days chez Williamsburg Baby.

William Axel Pierpont Grose (aka Axel) was born at 2:29 a.m. on Monday, August 6th. 6 lbs, 8 oz. Just 3 days shy of his due date following about 18 hours of active labor. Well, 48 if you count from the very first contraction on Saturday night. It's been a sleepless few days but Will and I are feeling euphoric. The little one is perfect. He came out all pink and blonde and glowy and has been pretty happy so far.

I'd definitely like to write a detailed birth story, but for now I'll just say, what an amazing, intense experience!!! We arrived at the hospital at 8:30 pm on Sunday night after a long labor at home that felt very serene in spite of the pain. No epidural, no IVs, no constant fetal monitoring, no induction. Above all, no complications. And our baby boy is in great shape. It was exactly the birth experience I had hoped for. We are recovering nicely at the hospital and go home tomorrow morning.