Away We Go

Vienna, 2015

Today we are packing up the car and heading north to Maine for much of the summer. I am looking forward to seeing Oscar get to know the great outdoors, as last summer he was so little he didn't grasp much of it. Axel's getting excited too and has been jabbering away about boats and lobsters, even if I'm not sure how much he truly remembers...

So why am I posting a pic of "American Ginger Ale"? Well I will have to skip the dark and stormies this summer...I am happy to share the news that I am about four months pregnant with baby number three, a boy, due in December.

We are thrilled even as we know we are in for a wild ride over the next few years, with three under four. Is that a thing? Every time Will shares the news that we are going from a family of four to a family of five people talk to him about "zone defense" and neither he nor I have anything but the vaguest idea of what that means.

We are used to plenty of chaos at this point but I am trying to appreciate the relative peace we will have this summer with "just" two under three.

I don't expect to be doing weekly updates this go round but aside from a verrrrry tiring first trimester I am feeling okay and pretty positive about all of the adventures to come.

The one funny thing about having your third is that people are pretty slim on the sympathy and tend to even forget about it completely...it's like "Oh?Again?!" I'm okay with that, I get it, but it does make it feel quite different from the first time.

23 Weeks

23 weeks

I know, I know, I've been hopeless with the weekly updates this time around (here I am, 23 weeks pregnant with Axel!) The breakfast thing is still true...

In any case, all is well with baby boy #2. I think he must have been having some kind of epic growth spurt last week because I could barely make it through dinner most nights.

I seem to have romanticized my entire last pregnancy, somehow, and find myself shocked now when I feel less than stellar. The last time, I guess, I wasn't waking up with a teething baby, or schlepping around a 25 pound toddler, and so I could do whatever it was that I felt up to on that particular day. I do know I was easily tired when I was pregnant with Axel, but now I find it more frustrating, because I want to be able to spend time on the floor with him, picking him up, and chasing him around the playground. And I do. It's just that I go from 60 to 0 really quickly.

I'm also a little nervous about entering my third trimester in the midst of winter, when I am usually a bit low on energy anyway. We are embarking on a few nesting projects around the house, though, which I'm looking forward to, since it seems we never fully moved in after Axel was born. Hoping I can channel what energy I do have into those and somehow keep up with Axel too.

So far, we haven't so much as mentioned the baby to him. He understands simple directions really well, and he loves to say "Hi," "Uh Oh," and the like, but I feel like the concept of a brother might be a little far-fetched to him now. I think we'll start chatting about it in a few months.

Lately

New York, 2013

Had our second anatomy scan this morning and all is well with baby boy number two, who is weighing in at 13 oz. and a few days ahead of schedule (well, I've had two due dates for much of my pregnancy, so I don't really know what to make of them except that he is measuring ahead, so that's good...)

Afterwards, we walked down to Madison Square Park, and I picked up delicious things for dinner at Eataly and then wandered through the greenmarket in Union Square.

We have very few plans for the weekend, which I'm thrilled about.

And what else?

Well, I got a little teary over this birth story this morning (a second baby boy as well.)

I've been following this blogger, whose daughter recently had brain surgery and is doing well. Not the same procedure Axel had, but it's still crazy to me what we went through last spring. Science, how amazing you are!

I laughed when I read this article, about raising kids in New York.

And I'm getting excited about Axel's Halloween costume, care of Etsy, naturally. How cute was he last year as a giraffe?

17 Weeks

Fall, 2013

So here we are, 17 weeks all over again.

And life is good. I have definitely been slack on the taking photos front (though I edited this post to add one from the weekend), but I am generally feeling well.

I was pretty worn out this summer, especially around 9 weeks or so, though unlike with my last pregnancy, it was sometimes hard to decipher whether I was tired from baby-chasing, working full time, constant travel, or just the usual first trimester exhaustion.

I haven't been obsessively reading about which fruit or vegetable I am carrying this week or feeling as hyper-aware of every little sensation this time around. Occasionally, when I get really hungry, I wonder why that is for a few seconds, and then remember I'm pregnant. I've gotten a few nasty headaches, and generally felt vague and ineffectual a lot of time time. I'm not sure if that's pregnancy related or if that's just life.

That said, compared to some of my friends who've had very challenging first trimesters, I'm really lucky. When I felt queasy, it was just sort of general "I'd like some toast" malaise, not full on waves of intense nausea. And I'd say I feel pretty much as I did the last go around at about this time. The same crazy, vivid dreams, the same occasional discomfort if I'm sitting in the same position for too long.

Whereas the last go round, I felt like time was at a standstill when I was pregnant, this time it's going really quickly.

We had our first anatomy scan on Monday, which was exciting. I always have nerves when I go to our imaging center, in part because every scan during my last pregnancy was kind of a hold-your-breath-for-bad-news experience. Even though Axel's cyst and surgery is now behind us, during my pregnancy it meant there were a lot of unknowns and worries, even those we never articulated.

So this scan? Well, the baby is perfect. On target for growth, no cysts, everything is looking great. The only "but" (and why is there always a "but"?) is that I have a single umbilical artery. The perinatologist said essentially that it's one of those things that most often means nothing more than extra monitoring for growth, and that it's quite common. Compared to Axel's eventual diagnosis, he said, it's like "nit picking" a perfectly healthy pregnancy.

As reassuring as that was, I still have to go in for monthly ultrasounds and, beginning at 36 weeks, for twice-weekly biophysical profiles (non-stress tests for the baby.) Though the latter is just because I am "elderly." And I felt a certain amount of "why is there always something to worry about?" but then again, that's just life with children, no?

Rhythm

via Alvin Ailey

What a difference a day makes. I think my nervous energy yesterday paid off and this morning I am feeling more serene.

Yesterday, I managed to go to training, pick up paint chips, stock up on staples, clean the flat from top to bottom, secure a tenant, find a doula, schedule a second job interview, read half the internet, and go for dinner with a friend followed by a fabulous performance by Ailey II at the Alvin Ailey American Dance Theatre.

It was a gorgeous way to round out the day...something so elemental about great modern dance. I was joking to my friend Leigh that I was tempted to storm the stage. Imagine the headlines: "Rogue Pregnant Lady Leaps into the Act!" In my own mind I am as graceful as these dancers. In reality...not so much. Watching them move did make me long for the day when I have my own body back. I like being pregnant, but of course there are many positions you just can't contort yourself into when you are carrying a baby, and sometimes even a deep stretch feels a little off and unfamiliar.

I also find it curious that on some days I find accomplishing one small task to be completely daunting. And then others I am in a rhythm and seem to have unstoppable energy. I guess there's nothing quite like a deadline.

Whirling Dervish

New York, 2010

24 weeks today, which is what doctors usually consider to be the cutoff point for viability. Meaning if you go into labor at 24 weeks, you may very well have a micro-preemie who survives.

Of course, that is not what I want to happen. But suddenly dealing with that fact, plus the round number of 16. Weeks. Left. has me feeling a little loopy and ill-prepared.

That is 16 weekends to pack, move, unpack, accumulate baby supplies, take childbirth education course, read all those books about exactly what you do with a newborn, and find some time to breathe and relish our last few months of life as just-the-two-of-us. Oh. Also, I am interviewing for a job, considering childcare options if I get the job, and interviewing tenants for our current apartment. It feels like a lot of spinning plates.

It's not that I don't think it will all get done (or that disaster will strike if it doesn't, and if we have a newborn at home surrounded by boxes without having read a darn thing about what to do with him.) But I am by nature a planner, someone who likes doing certain things, especially in the domestic realm, by the book.

I find it incredibly surreal that there's, say, a 5 week window when baby could come. From 37 weeks to 42, give or take, when baby is considered to be full term (and a larger window if you do have a preemie.) Not knowing when this will all happen is kind of freaky to me. I get that it's the circle of life and so on, but it seems awfully tricky.

It feels a little like at any moment I could go into labor (I don't have any medical reason to believe this will happen at the drop of a hat....it's just the awareness that it could.) Prior to, say, 15 weeks, I was concerned with losing the baby. Now it's the realisation that no matter what, I will have to face labor.

I also worry that there could be some complication that would require bedrest and shorten those 16 already scary weeks of geting stuff done into, say, 4 weeks. So that's where my head is at today.

It is a beautiful day and I am sure my pregnancy mania will pass. But it comes in waves.

23 Weeks

23 weeks, 1 day

I have entered a new, deliriously tired, starving-all-the-time phase of the second trimester. I have started to gain weight (as expected) and am definitely beginning to feel a little large. I know I will look back on this post when I am 41 weeks and counting and laugh, but there you have it.

Lately, all I want to eat is breakfast. Toast, almond butter, honey, yoghurt, bananas, clementines, lattes. And nap. While I've been going strong this week, I think perhaps I've been going too strong. Where are  good Bravo reruns when you need them most?

22 Weeks

20 & 21 Weeks

19 Weeks

18 Weeks

17 Weeks

16 Weeks

15 Weeks

14 Weeks

Rebel Rebel

Paris, 2010

Maybe it's because I live where I live, but I haven't experienced much criticism for what I eat or imbibe while pregnant. If anything, people seem to be coaxing me to bend the rules. "What's the big deal about lunch meat/charcuterie/cheese/sushi/one glass of wine?" they say. And I mostly agree (even if I subsequently ignore them and generally do as my doctor tells me.) Interestingly enough, the only times I've been chided were in the Virgin Islands, when one waitress suggested I shouldn't have coffee, and another woman told me I shouldn't be carrying my carry on bag myself.


My big rebellions so far? Caffeine and peanut butter (and maybe an inch of wine a few times a week with a meal.) My one latte or earl grey tea a day is still within the bounds of recommendations, and cutting it out absolutely seems extreme. Some people say expecting mothers should skip peanut butter to avoid allergies in their children, but there's no history of major allergies in either of our families and I feel like I could use the protein. 


Still, although I mostly abide by the guidelines I'm given, I do think fear over every little chemical is terrible for my emotional state. Just when I am feeling good that I, say, don't wear makeup (which may contain chemicals that can be harmful to fetuses), I remember that I live in a huge metropolis surrounded by construction, pollution, and who knows what else and have a freak out about it all. My computer is probably zapping me with toxic waves as we speak. Overthinking it is paralyzing. 


This train of thought was a little worse for me in the first trimester, when pregnancy felt so new. Now I feel a little more confident in my instincts. No, I'm not going to eat rare street meat. But nor am I going to look at every meal (or every possibly toxic breath I take) as a hurdle.


P.S. Marie Baca wrote an interesting piece on the subject of her pregnancy rebellion in Salon. I especially liked this quote from the comments on the story: "People don't realize that it's hurting us and our children to look at life as a series of accidents that you can avoid if you just plan enough ahead and follow a certain list of rules. Life is dangerous and filled with risk, there are some reasonable things we can do to minimize some risks and there are times where we just need to lead our lives and see what happens."

The Wall

Williamsburg, 2012

Every now and then I feel so good I sort of forget that I am pregnant, wind up staying up way past my bedtime, saying yes to too many things, planning back to back adventures...and then it hits me.

A huge wall of exhaustion that usually also makes me a little down and emotional and gets me worrying about all sorts of things I can't control. Gloomy weather? Growth spurt? Who knows, but I am can-barely-keep-my eyes-open-on-the-sidewalk tired and wobbly this afternoon. So, looks like the 2 hour nap might be back, at least for today.

11211 Love

Toby's Estate, Williamsburg, 2012

I should be using my second trimester energy to go on some kind of frenzied nesting spree, clearing out drawers and closets that will need to be tackled (um, why do we own multiple cat leashes?) before we move.

Instead, I've been skulking around local spots like Toby's Estate, consuming more grilled cheese (with cornichons!), people watching, and reading Triumph of the City, which is great, assuming you are a cityphile.

I also just finished Crawling: A Father's First Year, which I bought as a gift for Will at McNally Jackson, one of my favorite New York bookstores. It's Elisha Cooper's memoir of the first year of his daughter's life, and it's a funny, poignant, cool peer into the male psyche on what it feels like to become a dad. A lot of it is based in Berkeley, which seems to have a great deal in common with Williamsburg. I guess powering through books is as good a use of my time as any?

22 Weeks

22 Weeks, 2 Days

22 weeks and am feeling dandy.

After long walks I am pretty excited to get off of my feet and at the end of the day after lots of food and water I feel a little stretched, but other than that am relatively spry.

It's been gratifying to get back into a training routine after lots of lolling about on the boat and though I'm not doing any very intensive cardio I am making an effort to get in 30-45 minute walks most days as well.

Have also been getting a tad more organized for the new arrival. I registered for our hospital tour and am about to sign up for childbirth classes.

20 & 21 Weeks

19 Weeks

18 Weeks

17 Weeks

16 Weeks

15 Weeks

14 Weeks

Roller Coaster

Williamsburg, 2012

Williamsburg, 2012

It's pretty easy to set me off onto a crying jag these days. One comment, or a scene in a movie, or a line in a book and there's this tidal wave of emotion (negative, positive, overwhelming) that has very little to do with the trigger.

Of course, it's most likely hormonal. But the science of why doesn't do much to temper my emotions when they're midstream.

When people ask me how I'm feeling, I usually assume they mean physically. But so far, the physical demands of pregnancy have been a walk in the park compared to the emotional ones.

It's hard to articulate without sounding as though I'm struggling. I swear, in any given moment, I'm perfectly content, and even blissfully happy. But then in a second I experience all of these really powerful thoughts and pregnancy feels like the hardest thing I've ever done.

Suddenly, I'm reconciling thoughts about my own childhood that hadn't occurred to me in 25+ years.

I'm acutely aware that now I am our baby's family and history. It doesn't feel like that history is something that begins in August. The baby is here with me now, thumping away at my insides, and he is already who he is. There are already three of us. The wheels are in motion.

Every decision feels that much more intentional. Is this the apartment we bring our baby home to? Is this the emotional environment we bring our child home to? It even occurred to me the other day that our 7 year old cats will one day die and that our little boy will experience that grief. It's inevitable.

There's that sensation, and then there's the sensation that there's so little I can control.

The baby's not even born yet and I can't protect him from city pollution and construction dust and crazy world events.

Take all of that and mix in a dose of awe and elation and Christmas Eve-level excitement and I can't-stop-looking-at-babies-on-the-street and you have a window into how I feel in any given moment. It's pretty wild.

Adios Winter

Park Avenue, March 2012

I feel like we've gotten off so easy this winter (which ends, officially, this week), with days in the 60s and 70s in February and March. By this time in the season, I'm usually cursing the cold and suffering from a major case of SAD, grumbling about New York and dreaming of moving to somewhere near the Equator.

But this year has been different. It's like everyone's on heat, semi-delirious to be able to wear sandals and short sleeves sonner than they had dared to hope they might. The sidewalk cafes are jam packed and at home, my windows are wide open.

I think it's definitely made my pregnancy thus far a bit easier, as it hasn't been difficult to motivate myself to go out for long walks or galavant around the city. I've even (sort of) forgotten those blurry, exhausted days around weeks 8 and 9, when buying milk at the corner store felt like an impossible task.  

And though I know August may well be oppressive, I'm relishing these months of wearing skirts and sundresses and being out in the world. I don't do well when I'm cooped up at home watching repeats of Anderson, and when I have to bundle up it's easy to make excuses to stick close to home.

19 Weeks

19 weeks, 1 day

My little bump is coming along nicely, though so far people on the subway have completely elbowed me out of the way for seats so I guess it's not that obvious? Or people are sharks? It's a little hard to believe there's a mango-size baby in there, but I definitely feel squirming from time to time. Sleeping is getting a little tricker as I just can't seem to get comfortable and, when I do, I don't love being in the same position for long stretches of time.

I've still been wearing leggings nearly every day, but in the evenings the elastic gets a bit more uncomfortable. We have our second anatomy scan on Wednesday, and I'm looking forward to witnessing the baby's acrobatics again.

Meanwhile, I have become acutely aware of babies and pregnant people. They're everywhere! I'm fascinated when I see parents and small people in cafes or restaurants. It's like I am seeing them for the first time. Little shoes! Giant strollers.

18 Weeks

17 Weeks

16 Weeks

15 Weeks

14 Weeks

Vice Squad

Paris, 2010

I was reading one of those addictive baby boards today, and an expecting woman wrote that a Starbucks barista refused to serve her a chai latte because of the caffeine.

So far, I haven't had anyone pounce on me in that way. In fact, it's been quite the opposite.

Earlier this spring, my father in law (who lives in Europe) informed me that Will's mother drank through all four of her pregnancies. He seemed to think my teetotaling was some nutty and brand new American fad.

At dinner with French friends on Friday, my female host poured me a glass of Champagne and, when I had a few sips, seemed practically triumphant. On Saturday, another friend, who has lived off and on in South America, kept informing me I could have a glass of wine if I wanted, all the while eyeing up my glass of water somewhat disapprovingly. Then there's the acquaintance who tells you her friend/sister/college roommate was backpacking through India/surfing big waves in Hawaii/running marathons at 8 months pregnant.

I seem to be surrounded by friends prompting me to taste a little charcuterie, try a little unpasteurized cheese, or hit the ski slopes, even when I say I don't really mind giving those things a pass temporarily. I'm glad they think I'm not a fragile creature and can make my own rational decisions.

But though I will happily taste an inch of wine with a meal and drink a small latte or cup of earl grey every day, I have mixed feelings about flouting doctor's orders. It's a little juggling act I do every day. Have I had any fruit today? Protein? Enough sleep, water, sun? Am I getting jittery from that coffee? If a medical professional tells me to avoid something, I generally do my best.

So next time you feel like telling a pregnant woman what she can or can't eat or drink, maybe reconsider. Unless she's swigging Jack Daniels or bungee jumping or has cut herself off from society to live in a germ-free bubble she's made from Saran wrap, chances are she's given her choices considerable thought and scolding (from either side) just isn't necessary.

Roll With It

Venice Beach, 2008

Well, I think I can say I've definitively begun to feel the baby move on a consistent basis.

In the last couple of days I've felt a rolling sensation, nearly every hour or so. He seemed especially into Women in the World. Sometimes the sensation is accompanied by chills. It's strange...a little like motion sickness or topsy turvy little waves, coming from underneath my belly button.

I'd now say that what I was feeling at 15 weeks was movement as well, but so far it's rarely taps or strong kicks per se. Occasionally I do feel something like a pop and then nada. Still, really reassuring and happy making.

18 Weeks

18 Weeks, 1 Day

Continuing to try to make a trend out of my monochromatic outfits.

This week I am starting to feel less "JV pregnant" and I definitely have noticed a change from 17 weeks. Have I popped? Not sure, but this morning Will said "you're pushing it out!" Definitely not. Funnily enough, I used to be self-conscious wearing this grey sweater because it clung to my tummy. Now I like it because it clings.

There are definitely days when my changing body is a little surreal and I do feel ungainly. But so far I've had a very positive body image during pregnancy. I've been fairly active, weight training twice a week, and going to pre-natal yoga, as well as for long walks around the neighborhood most days. That said, I don't love it when people say "Just you wait, you are going to get huge!" I kind of prefer to take it one day at a time.

On Monday I have a regular check up and need to remind myself to take a list of questions. I usually get so flustered worrying if we will find the baby's heartbeat that when we do, everything else in my brain sort of vanishes. But I'd like to start talking about childbirth education options, doulas, and my weight gain (or lack thereof.) I've heard that if you start out with a higher BMI, as I did, you don't need to have gained anything at this point but I'd love to know what to expect in the weeks and months to come.

Weight gain thus far: I am about breaking even now (the couple of pounds I dropped very early on in the first trimester are back, but I am still at my pre-pregnancy weight.) Which is weird because I'm certainly growing.

Cravings: Water, Fresh mango, rice and beans, guacamole, grapefruit, blood orange, yellow peppers, green grapes, ground beef, sunshine (and Diet Coke, oddly, though I'm steering clear of that one.) Fortunately the cravings for all things Haribo seem to have mostly subsided.

Aversions: Still not so excited by the thought of spinach, Brussels sprouts, or fresh salads. That sort of iron-y aftertaste seems off-putting. I have gotten over my aversion to coffee and am now having a medium latte made with skim most days (or tea.) Trying to keep the caffeine to one hit a day.

Symptoms: Well, I think I'm getting flutters on an almost daily basis. But I second guess myself a lot. I've also stopped the daily naps and now feel like I have the energy to stay up until a normal-ish hour. But this has been going on for almost a month now.

Sleep: Mastering sleeping on my left a bit better thanks to a pillow between my knees and a firmer pillow for my head.

17 Weeks

16 Weeks

15 Weeks

14 Weeks

In Bloom

New York, 2010

I felt like I was in an ad for the New York Times Sunday paper today...supping an iced skim latte, outside for the very first time this year (reading the Home section of the paper.) It was heaven.

New York, 2010

I'm also 18 weeks pregnant today. Depending on which site you check, this is either bell pepper week or sweet potato week. It feels really good to have reached this point in the pregnancy, and to feel spring on the doorstep.

As much as being heavily pregnant in August makes me a tad nervous (New York tends to be especially vile then), I see millions of advantages to being pregnant in the spring and summer. Flip flops, sundresses, and blue skies, for one. A lot of my flowy-er clothes will work fine for quite some time. Plus, it can be easy to get a bit down and overwhelmed when you're expecting, but my mood is almost instantly changed by a day like today. And there's the fact that when we have a newborn and a very little baby, it won't be frigid out, so getting out of the house will be a little bit easier.

Today, spring fever has hit the city in a big way. Suddenly, like the tulips, babies are everywhere. In strollers down by the waterfront...peeking out of baby slings, doing their baby things outside. Supping my latte, it was fun to start visualizing what life will be like come August. I am really looking forward to having a little buddy for my daytime strolls.

It's a Boy!

A short post, but good news all around. We are having a little boy. Will is quite excited to do manly things with this new arrival, and I am excited to meet a miniature Will (who was pretty darn cute, no?)

Gin and Tonic

Singapore, 2011

I would really like one.

Tomorrow we have our first anatomy scan and might know if it's a boy or a girl. So that's exciting.

The last couple of days have been rather stressful though. I've been in a tizzy over real estate, mumbling to myself like a crazy person about how ridiculous the prices have gotten in our neighborhood.

The answer, of course, is that we probably shouldn't move if it's causing anxiety, but the cloud is there nonetheless.

When I'm not muttering and cursing about absurd price per square foot statistics, I'm lamenting my terrible housekeeping skills.

Perhaps hormones are making me more scattered than usual, but I seem to be able to accomplish only half of any useful task. I wash our clothes, then forget to put them in the dryer so they start getting musty and I have to begin the process all over again.

Or I buy wholesome groceries and then feel utterly unable to do anything with them, resulting in an English muffin and banana for dinner.

I tried to do something nesty last night and made banana bread, which turned into a disaster. I did it in a sort of haphazard way and forgot the salt, eggs, and baking soda. I managed to mix them in at the eleventh hour but the results were kind of sad and slab-like. I am really not a baker.

All in all, kind of cranky, but I am sure it will lift.