A Few (Scattered) Thoughts

Axel, 2013

Sometimes it seems like everything that could possibly be said on the topic of work life balance has been said, but I still found these two articles interesting over the weekend.

The first, on the crazy cost of pre-school childcare in the NY Times, was pretty striking. I'm not sure how it is elsewhere in the country, but in New York it's certainly true that full time childcare for a baby can cost nearly as much as a year of college. What struck me most about this piece was the tone of some of the comments, which was basically 'If you can't afford it, don't have kids.' Um, ok. So that means only the very very rich should be able to have families?

Then there was this one, in Glamour, on "having it all." My favorite line was "Women have to not just get a job and keep it but rise through the ranks—while maintaining a partner and children, staying awake for sex, and looking like Beyoncé." Sigh.

Lately

Williamsburg, 2013

So it hasn't been all baby all the time around here.

I've been working like a whirling dervish and am really enjoying the mayhem now. I wouldn't say I've cracked the work life balance thing (by any stretch), but I do think any wistfulness I might have had about being a stay at home mother seems to have passed. Ha, I wonder whether the ladies above were secretly hankering to "work in media."

Work is completely unglamorous at the moment (probably the antithesis of what I imagined when I pictured myself at a magazine, a potted orchid on my desk.)

I always seem to find myself working in manic start up mode (a glutton for punishment?) But even so I am gratified by problem solving and being professionally curious. I like to think I will have some funny stories to tell Axel when he is a bit older.

I am also hugely grateful to have found such a brilliant nanny. Especially now that Axel is beginning to show his first signs of separation anxiety (reaching out for me when I put him in his crib, lip trembling like 'Don't leave me here!') Our nanny has been with us since he was six weeks old, so thankfully he feels bonded with her as well. When I leave, he's thrilled to see her, so the transition is pretty seamless.

When my work life is so peripatetic, it's good to know that his routine isn't being messed with. So now I just have to do whatever it takes to keep her 'til he's 18!

Lately

New York, 2012

Today I wrapped up the project I've been working on (subbing for an editor who has been traveling.)

It's weird, sitting at somebody's desk, seeing their rainy November view, essentially sitting in on somebody else's life for a spell. You can't help but imagine what they would do after work, what they think while sitting there. My feelings on the matter are a mixed bag.

Tonight, for maybe the first time since Axel was born, I really felt like going out to some silly posh of-the-second West Village restaurant and clinking glasses with people with interesting jobs and witty anecdotes.

I also felt like coming home and taking a bath.

Going to work has gotten a lot easier since those early days when it felt like pure physical shock. The hurricane and its aftermath obviously didn't help. But then somehow everything was sort of okay. I felt great about our nanny, and Axel was thriving, and I was patching up the leaky boat (financially, so to speak.) Paychecks came. And that felt good.

And so I am exploring part time options that will let me be in the office a few days, at home a few days.

Because I really miss long walks in the fresh air, meeting up with my fellow mothers, the possibility of going to yoga, and (of course) long stretches of time with Axel. And the time to think about things, instead of just kind of mustering the strength for the daily grind. Sometimes it's hard not to fantasize about living somewhere like, say, Portland, where the cost of living is less egregious and the puzzle might be easier to put together.

But I also am coming to see the value in a routine outside of my zip code, flexing other muscles. Like ambition, maybe? I am not sure what to call it. Starting tomorrow, I guess, I will have some time to mull it all over.

Loose Ends

Axel, 2012

Often the idea of gathering my thoughts into a post on one particular subject is kind of daunting. But it's my blog and who says I have to be coherent!

- I'm clearly not the only one thinking about sleep training these days. I like Joanna's post on the matter (though six months? I am not sure we are going to make it to six months.) Officially, we're waiting until Axel's two month check up on October 8th to start, but unofficially we've been working towards a sleep routine for about 3 or 4 weeks now. Around the time we got home from Maine and Will went back to work we started putting Axel to bed (albeit in his bassinet, or stroller, wherever we were) at around 7:00 at night. His bedtime has stuck ever since. Around a week ago I started instituting more of a bath and pre-bed ritual as well. He loves bath time, it's so cute. His eyes get big and he looks around like "Whoa, this water stuff is excellent." Clearly, he takes after his mama. We're still not sleeping through the night but these baby steps (bedtime, him sleeping in his own room, bath time) have helped emotionally prepare us for the big change. Still, if we want to go out with him at night, we go out. We do the same ritual and put him in the stroller and it seems to work just fine.

- Did you know baby socks make excellent gloves?

- We are gearing up for our first plane ride (to Seattle, for a wedding) in a few weeks time. I'm excited. Although we've traveled with the baby before, this seems like our first big trip. We're staying at the Ace Hotel in Belltown and then driving across the state to Spokane for three nights. I love the West Coast so I am excited to explore crunchy Washington State and taste some tasty pinot noirs in the process.

- I also go back to work for a short term, 6-week-long assignment in three weeks. To get ready to go back to the office, we found a nanny who has been coming over two afternoons a week until she starts full time. It's been a good way to ease myself into it, as I can work away on my laptop in the other room and hear how she interacts with Axel, which is very cute and reassuring. It feels like an extravagance to have someone look after him while I am at home, but I think I would be way too anxious if we went from zero to sixty on my work start date. This way, I know she knows how to handle his various moods and I've been able to use the time to run some errands and catch up with friends in the process. Still, it's impossible not to feel a little guilty about any childcare choice you make and to feel that you are the only one who can really care for your baby as you'd wish. If only we lived in Sweden and I got a year's maternity leave!

Six Weeks Old

Axel, 2012

I feel like Axel is an old salt! Six weeks? How did that happen? Even he looks skeptical.

Meanwhile, how did I become a 34 year old mother? That was what I was thinking last night as we let the babysitter in. It was like, wait a second, aren't I the babysitter? It brought back such memories of being a teenager or young twentysomething, looking after someone else's kids (and rooting through their fridge.) What happened to the last 15 or 20 years and where the heck did this baby come from?

In any case, it was more of a milestone for us than it was for Axel (who slept through most of it)...we went out with Will's parents to The Ides and Cafe Mogador and had a really lovely evening knowing he was in very capable hands.

Axel meanwhile has been getting bigger and more expressive by the day.

We celebrated his "birthday" with a walk on the Highline and had lunch at The Green Table. And now, after a weekend of family visiting I am ready for a looong nap.