Monday, January 7, 2013

Blue Skies

Axel, Williamsburg, 2013

We woke up at around 6:15, just before the sun was up, and soon the light was streaming through the windows. I think this might be the first blue sky I've seen in, oh, a month. I love watching the seagulls careen around over the Brooklyn rooftops...reminds me of how very close we are to the water. Sometimes you even catch a sea plane coming in to land.

Axel was reunited with his nanny, who was very happy to see him after so long. And I set off to work, glad to know that he was back in his groove and would be able to catch up on some sleep.

Tonight we're working on some of our New Year's resolutions (like, say, eating more vegetables) with a pot of homemade leek and potato soup bubbling away on the stove. Am hoping it helps me to finally kick this sore throat.

Am also concentrating on getting back to breastfeeding more and using less formula, something I found hard to do over such a social, peripatetic holiday.

I've had such an up and down relationship with pumping since I went back to work (technical difficulties, subway mishaps), and there were moments where I just felt so panicked about not being able to exclusively breastfeed and work a 50-or-so hour week.

It wasn't a great feeling, counting ounces and feeling like a failure if the numbers didn't add up. I ultimately had to begin supplementing because I just couldn't leave enough milk for the next day. And I came around to it, because I realized I had been unreasonably hard on myself and it was making working all but impossible.

Going away, and relying on more formula while I was sick and in transit, definitely threw me for a loop, and I felt guilty that I wasn't breastfeeding more.

It didn't help that my second pump's adapter broke because it wasn't synched with British voltage. In order to avoid an all out meltdown over that, I decided to just give myself a bit of a break, since I didn't feel 100% comfortable exposing myself in busy family situations. I breastfed at night and maybe once during the day when it was appropriate to slip away, but the rest of the time Axel (happily) had a bottle or tested out some new solids.

But, yeah, the guilt was nagging and that made it frustrating to be away from my home turf.

Complications aside, I definitely know I am not ready to give up breastfeeding, so back to the pump it is. Trying to drink tons and tons of water and get some more sleep so it's not a struggle.

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